Day 1 - 1st June 2009

I'm on my way. up at 5.30am to be at the airport just after 6am for the 6.50 flight. How amazing, my bag weighs in at 16kg - not bad for a girl. Roxy was really impressed. I told her originally that I was only going to take the 45cm flight bag and if it hadn't been for my big folder of maps and documents for the holidays, and my bike helmet and cycling gear taking up so much space I probably would have gotten away with it. And to think I took some clothes and pair of shoes out at the last minute. Oh well, it will be interesting to see whether I would have needed them, and if I end having to buy more clothes out of necessity and not just because I fancy them.

The flight to Auckland was great - what a fabulous morning for flying - clear blue sky and thankfully that strong wind that was gusting around the house at 4am had dropped. A fantastic sunrise and just as you settle in to the flight, it is over. All you get is a tub of water to drink and a lolly as you prepare to land. Touch down was smooth and because there were only nine people on the flight, baggage claiming was speedy and hassle-free. Here's hoping the rest of the trip goes as smoothly.

I bussed into the city centre - $15 on the shuttle and then caught a bus to Parnell. I asked the bus driver for directions but he wasn't very helpful and I ended up getting off the bus miles from where I needed to be. So, time to try out the wizardry and gadgets. Aha!! No maps. Where the hell are they? And worse than that - Where the hell am I? Well actually standing outside Trelise Cooper's shop in Newmarket. A check in at the local BP servo and instructions from the young Indian lad behind the counter, a quick loo stop and a warm mochacino and I learnt that it would be a twenty minute walk to the hotel. Thank goodness for wheels on my suitcase. Shame about the choice of high heel shoes though, but, never mind, good practice for what's ahead of me. But more of a worry is what the hell has happened to my maps - so much for hi-tech.

I made it to the hotel by 10am and was quite surprised, but very pleased to be able to check in straight away - remember the days when you couldn't check in till 2pm at the earliest. After finding my room I decided to go up to the restaurant on the 3rd floor for a coffee and perhaps a muffin for breakfast, but too late for breakfast so back to my room for the freebie coffee.

Then it was time to try out the computer, try and find the maps on my phone and check that all is working properly before I get into this holiday proper-like. But this technology stuff is going to beat me I can see that. A couple of calls to Roxy and a couple to Vodafone, but no joy. I did discover that when I put the old SIM card back, that the map of Auckland popped back up again. But no success with the Bluetooth connection. So I will wander down to Vodafone and hopefully there will be a nice young lad there to talk me through it all again. I need to know it is all okay before I can't speak the language.

I gave up trying to connect and decided a walk in the fresh air was what was needed. Clear the head, blow away the cobwebs, and go have a look at the village.

Well, frankly I was rather disappointed. For a start, not a lot of the shops were open, and secondly the range of shops seems much less than last time I wandered around here - that would have been with JAG at least 17 years ago. My, how time flies.

I did find one rather lovely nick-nack shop and got talking to the owner about travelling. She travelled around Egypt on her own and said that I will just love being in Italy on my own. She even suggested that if I have time when I come back to call in and let her know how I got on. How friendly. Is that how the rest of my travels are going to be?

First up there was that ever so chatty old lady at the Downtown bus stop. In the 15 minutes I waited for the bus I got her whole life history. she was adopted, never married, had four boyfriends and was a dancer. She was quite lovely, which belied her looks, she was scruffy and looked a wee bit like a homeless person, but on talking to her she was incredibly well spoken, English and quite quite educated. Perhaps that is what people discover when they get to know me - that behind this old, sad, lonely face is a really kind and caring and incredibly sensitive person.

I wandered up and down Parnell Road before choosing a place to have lunch. Nice little cafe where people were sitting with their laptops and notebooks taking advantage of 'free' network connection. Was it wi-fi? I sat and wrote most of this diary note while enjoying a bowl of steaming hot Kumara and Vege Soup with a slice of focaccia bread. Very delicious and certainly warmed the body. It is freezing cold outside and I really had to resist the temptation to buy a scarf and gloves - I am, after all, going into summer and don't need to carry them all the way to Europe.

I decided to treat myself to a good coffee as well and had a Lemon Thimble. that was the cutest little tart filled with lemon curd. there was a chocolate choice as well, but I thought the lemon would be a better choice seeing as I am on my way to Italy. I am sure I will get more than my share of chocolate along the way and I am not convinced that cycling 30 kms a day will be enough to counteract all the calories. I do want to come home looking better than I left!!!

Walked back to the hotel, had another try at connecting to the internet - perhaps I should have tried the free connection at the cafe - still no go and the help desk at Vodafone aren't helpful on a holiday weekend. You guessed it, technicians don't work on holidays. Well what a fat lot of good that is to me. Oh well, will just have to go to Vodafone in the city in the morning.

After a "nana nap" and a final fix of Home and Away I went up to the 3rd floor for dinner at Jimmy's Kiwi Kitchen. I was the only person in the restaurant which isn't a good way to start a holiday. You ask yourself - is the food okay. But I guess that because the hotel is almost empty and it is the last day of the holiday weekend it isn't too bad an omen.

I chose the lamb shanks and mash with coleslaw. It was delicious - the meat so tender it just fell off the bone, the mash very smooth and creamy and the coleslaw was quite different actually. It also was very creamy, not spicy or vinegary, and I don't think it was sour cream either. Hard to tell what it was, but I really enjoyed the meal, and opted to have a dessert as well. What the heck, I am on holiday, so it was a slice of baked cheesecake with passion fruit and fruit salad. Two glasses of house red - Corbans Shiraz- and a long chat with the waitress and then it was back to my room. I do hope the rest of my holiday is a bit more exciting than this. I guess the crux is that I just don't really like Auckland, so I didn't feel inspired to go out and investigate it, and I certainly wouldn't want to wander around at night on my own. I sure hope I don't feel like this in Italy, or else I won't get to see anything.

A long phone call from Rodney just as I was dropping off to sleep. Why does he always make me feel so bad, so lost, so lonely? I really do wish he was coming with me, but everything indicates that I will have a better time without him. I will do what I want, when I want, etc etc, - you know the drill. But I feel such a failure. Here I am, about to embark on an amazing holiday on my own, and I am feeling a failure!!!

I did ask him just one last time to tell me what I did that was so wrong, why such a magic marriage ended so disastrously and all he could say, as he's been saying all along - "you are you and I am me" What the hell that means I don't really know, but he did allude to the fact that I, in fact, tried too hard. He did also say that he had tried to contact Nancy M-H again as he was feeling bad but she was too busy to see him. He suggested that he needed a 'Life Coach" and I asked if we could both go to one when I got back from Italy and maybe that would help us sort out what we needed to do together, because I would do whatever it takes to get back on track, and his to that was - "what about me Heather - have you ever thought about what I need."

Is that it? Is that what I did wrong? Did I always just focus on me? I didn't think I did, I thought I always always always put him first, but perhaps I didn't really. Perhaps I was a ME, MYSELF and I person without really being aware of it. Perhaps I was selfishly trying to mould him to fit my own agenda. But I think I took from that comment that I will never get him back. I guess I have known that all along. I know I have written it heaps of times in my diary, but I hate being a failure, I hate being alone, I hate being a statistic. I really wanted to be part of that small group of people who made second marriages work. I know I enjoyed every second of every day that I was his wife and every second I was in his company. And I know I longed for the day we could retire and spend each and every day together, and how hard I worked putting things in place so that that would happen - rental properties, investments and superannuation etc.

But, now it is all over. I will go on this holiday and Italy will be the making of me. It will teach me that I am okay, I can survive without him, I can enjoy my life without him and to top it off I will be going to a part of the world that my dad really enjoyed and so wanted to revisit. I do so wish that he was still around to share it with me, but I know in my heart that he will be looking down from up there, keeping an eye on me and guiding me along the way. It's a shame that I couldn't get more specific details about where exactly he had been, but I will be content knowing that I am somewhere close. If I get this dammed internet going I will do a search on Jay Force. I didn't know until Mel brought his army records to me over the weekend, that he was even part of Jay Force. All I had ever known was that he was in the 22nd Batallion.

Anyway it is now time to get up and get going - I started this yesterday, but is now 8am Tuesday. Best I get moving, I only have until 2pm to get my phone sorted out.